


Rick and Morty Ruin Adam

by Eager_Question



Category: Adam Ruins Everything (TV), Rick and Morty
Genre: Crossover, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-24
Updated: 2020-01-24
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:16:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22383952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eager_Question/pseuds/Eager_Question
Summary: Rick Sanchez has been called upon to venture into the dimension containing one of the fiercest, most terrifying creatures in the multiverse: Adam Conover.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 14





	Rick and Morty Ruin Adam

“It’s all good Rick,” C-133B said, patting C-137 in the back. “Here’s your portal, just go on right through, no need to thank me.”

“Wow, Rick, _urrp_ I didn’t think--C-133B, that’s--”

“No need to _urrbp_ thank me, time is money. Go on.”

Rick and Morty jumped through the portal, and as it closed, something dawned on the elderly scientist.

“Shit! We’ve been set up! I knew I couldn’t trust him!”

“Aw geez, Rick, what are you talking about?”

“This isn’t our dimension, Morty. This is Dimension 7R00-7V.”

“What?" Morty asked. "How do you know?”

“A labcoat?” A handsome, if chubby, blonde man in his thirties said with astonishment as he walked past them, spinning on his heel like a cartoon. “You know, most scientific work today does not require labcoats--and of the work that does, most would require that you never wear it outside of the lab itself. You could be contaminating everyone with various genetically modified strains of E. coli as we speak!”

Rick glared at Adam Conover. “Come on, Morty, we need to get out of here. If I know this asshole, he’s going to try to drag us into one of his stupid ‘explainer’ videos that teach people things a rudimentary google search should be able to show.”

He smiled. “Actually, google’s algorithm optimises for things like clicks and satisfaction, not for truth, so if certain people are used to searching only certain things, then their ability to google material would be severely hampered.”

Rick’s blood pressure rose as he noticed the screen was covered by an animation in 8-bit style of somebody who constantly searches for pizza trying to find the history of dominoes (the game) and failing.

“That’s why you use alternative cookie _urrrp_ and history-less search engines like DuckDuckGo if you don’t find it on the first page of google, moron!” Rick said as the animation ended. “Come on, Morty.”

“But Rick, how are we going to get out? We’re only here because your portal gun broke and the last dimension didn’t have enough of Isotope whatever-it-was to make a new one.”

“That’s right! Great idea, Morty! Come on!” He grabbed his grandson’s arm and ran off towards what looked like the city centre. After a few hundred metres, they slowed down and took a bus. “This is perfect, Morty. This dimension has an LHC just like ours. If we can highjack it--”

“That’s… very illegal.” Adam said, having come from just out of frame, and nearly giving Morty a heart attack in the process.

“What? Where did you come from? What’s going on?!”

“Relax, Morty, it’s just more of his, _urrp_ , TV Magic.” Rick said, making quotation marks with his fingers. “Presumably, this asshole has latched onto us like a fucking remora, and we won’t be free until he’s finished ruining whatever it is he wants to ruin.”

“Did you know that remoras may actually clean sharks of parasites? In fact--”

“OH MY GOD DO YOU NEVER SHUT UP?!” Rick grabbed Alan by his suspenders and lifted him up. Alan swallowed, leaning his head away from the screaming old man. “This is useless! Anyone who doesn’t already know this is too stupid to know, or doesn’t give enough fucks to want to!”

Adam smiled. “Actually--”

“Oh come on!” Rick interrupted, dropping Alan violently, but the blonde man would not be deterred.

“--The modern idea of intelligence is suspect, and dismissing people as ‘stupid’ is a centuries-old tool of class warfare. This is Adam Ruins Everything, and I’ll tell you all about it after the break!”

Tu-tu-too-too-tu-tu-rooo~

Turum turum tum Tweeeo~

“The year was 1904, and Alfred Binet had found a way to test for mental development problems in children,” Adam started.

“ _Urrpr_ Francis Galton tried it first,” Rick interrupted, but Adam ignored that as a puppet show appeared.

“I’m Alfred Binet!” A puppet facsimile of the French researcher said. “I want to find out what students need help in school! That’s a great idea and a way to help students!”

Adam smiled. “But all of that changed when Henry Goddard--”

“Yeah yeah, Goddard applied a racist test to justify racism, blah blah, intelligence testing is bullshit, blah blah most _urrp_ IQ tests map tightly onto cor-maps with wealth and access to good childhood nutrition," The Alfred Binet and Henry Goddard puppets looked around in confusion as Rick spoke.

"And even the supposedly culturally-agnostic tests are still heavily reliant on specific variables such that IQ tests only really measure how good you are at taking them. For _urrrp_ example: The pattern-matching tests are all visually-based. Does that make all blind people morons? What about people trained to read right-to-left?”

The screen switched back to them. Adam, perhaps for the first time since they had arrived, paused and looked speechless.

“Also, intelligence is contingent on circumstance, and best described as a set of skills that anyone can in theory get better at, plus or minus some natural talent. Did I _urrrp_ miss anything?”

Adam shook his head slightly. Rick cleared his throat and glanced outside. “The airport! Yes! Come _urrp_ on, Morty”

They rushed to the airport and began looking for trips to Switzerland.

“Aw geez, Rick, I think that guy felt bad…” Morty said.

“Yeah well, _urrp_ Morty, nobody likes a showoff and nothing he said mattered anyway.”

“You didn’t have to be such a dick, you know?”

“Yes I did. You have no idea what it’s like, Morty. Being the _urrp_ smartest man in the universe, everyone is like a monkey. Do you know what that’s like? To feel like you’re constantly surrounded by morons? It’s exhausting, Morty. It makes me _urrp_ want to blow all this shit up!”

“Actually--” Adam said, coming out of a suitcase that had been left leaning against the wall.

“Jesus! Are you--are you serious right now?”

“--Wealthy and educated people are less likely to engage in anti-social behaviour, and while IQ tests’ measurements are largely meaningless in and of themselves, there is a strong negative correlation between their scores and the likelihood of you being imprisoned.”

“You think this is a joke, you little turd?!” Rick asked, pulling a gun out of his labcoat. “I am not fucking around!”

Not ten seconds after he said this, a dozen different tasers from a dozen different airport security officers hit Rick, making him convulse and fall to the floor.

“Aw jeez…” Morty said, lifting his arms in non-aggression against the security officers as they approached the unconscious Rick.

“Wow. You guys were really on the ball in this one.” Adam told the security officers as he followed. “Did you know most airport security measures are completely useless?”

Tu-tu-too-too-tu-tu-rooo~

Turum turum tum Tweeeo~

“---And that’s why you can’t use your intelligence as an excuse to be an asshole,” Adam finished.

“It’s true, Rick,” said a security officer with a British accent, thin pale face and light blonde hair.

“Rick, meet Noah Carl, a researcher and Doctoral candidate in Sociology at Nuffield College, Oxford. He has written about the links between trust, intelligence and human development across nations.”

“The evidence shows that more intelligent populations engage in more pro-social behaviour across the board, and that more intelligent individuals are generally more trusting. Theory suggests that causality runs from intelligence to trust at the individual level, which raises the possibility that the association between trust and development is explained by intelligence.”

“Are you, _urrp_ , serious here? Why are you even dressed like security? You know that this makes no sense, right?”

“Student stipends can’t pay the bills all the time,” The soon-to-be Dr. Carl said with a shrug. “Alternatively, development may lead to higher intelligence, which in turn gives rise to greater trust. Note that intelligence may cause trust not only because individuals with higher intelligence tend to report greater trust, but also because such individuals tend to be more trustworthy. Either way, wealthier and more educated countries tend to have more cooperation and less criminal activity than poorer, less educated countries. And this even tracks when you educate populations over time.”

“Good god, are you listening to this guy, Morty?”

“I don’t know, Rick, it--I mean, it sounds pretty solid, Rick. He had a bunch of charts about it.”

“Oh no, you’ve converted him. Don’t listen to his bullshit Morty. Don’t listen to him. It’s all a _urrrp_ \--a hoax to make you think you’ve learnt something when you really haven’t.”

Adam sat beside Rick, who had been shackled to the chair in every way imaginable by paranoid and worried security officers. “Come on, Rick, you’re a scientist. Why aren’t you happy that we’re giving science to the masses?”

“Because you’re not!” Rick said, nearly jumping at Adam and biting him like a rabid dog. “You’re not a fucking--Do you think any of your so called _urrp_ viewers know how to do regression analysis now? Huh? Do you, Conover? Do you think they know how isolating variables works? How to correct for confounders? Basic lab safety?!”

Adam looked down, pressing his lips tightly. Rick didn’t care.

“You’re a fraud, Conover! You’re not teaching anybody science, you’re teaching them facts! Facts that may be outdated in an hour, facts that may _urrp_ turn out to be wrong--Facts that won’t matter if somebody else comes around, and goes ‘oh, look at me, I know this because of science’, and they won’t _urrp_ they won’t be able to tell the difference because you didn’t actually teach them shit!”

“Wow…” Said soon-to-be Dr. Noah Carl. “I’ll just… I’ll… go.” He walked backwards away from the room while Adam glared at the floor.

Rick continued to glare, struggling against the chair he was stuck to. “Is that a good enough reason? Do you understand now? Did you _urrp_ learn something today?”

“...What do you need in order to leave?” Adam asked, his voice quieter.

“What?”

“I don’t know why you’re here or what I’m even ruining and… you said you wanted to go to Switzerland?”

“Wow, Mr. Conover, you’d really, um, really do that for us? ‘Cause, that would be--I mean, we’d really like that.”

“Don’t listen, Morty. It’s a trap.”

“It’s not a trap--I can use my TV powers, I just… If I help you, will you leave and never come back?”

Rick glared at the blonde man for a moment, then a smile came upon his lips.

“I hate this place anyway.”

Adam snapped his fingers, and they found themselves at CERN.

“This is perfect, Morty! All we need to do is start it up, and with it I can recharge my broken Portal gun. It’ll take a couple of hours, but we can finally get home.”

“Aw, jeez Mr. Conover. Thank you for using your TV powers to help us out.”

“No problem Morty. Hopefully you and your grandpa can go home and stop ruining my episodes. Win-win!”

Though Adam was forcing a smile, Morty could see Rick’s rant had done a number on him.

“Aw Jeez, Mr. Conover, I don’t actually know how the LHC works…” He said, looking around as Rick paid them no heed and focused on highjacking the facility.

“It’s a particle accelerator, Morty. Nothing really fancy, just a very very big thing that shoots particles at each other until they collide, and hopefully sometimes they hit each other so fast that they break, letting physicists understand fundamental particles better.”

“But Mr. Conover, how do they do that?”

“Well, they have these electromagnetic fields--”

“Don’t encourage him, Morty,” Rick said as he passed by the two of them.

Adam sighed. “Your grandpa’s right, you know. My show is just a more easily-digested version of a wikipedia article. It doesn’t teach people science, it teaches them results that real scientists found. I’m not empowering the masses, I’m just… perpetuating the cycle of complacency regarding scientific-sounding claims while people with bad intentions use that to trick the public into making bad choices.”

Morty glanced at the two men. One tall and thin, the other shorter and chubbier, one a massive asshole, the other tactless but well-intentioned.

“You know, Mr. Conover, I think your show really does help.”

“You do?”

“Yeah, I think--I think most people never look into things anyway, you know? They just listen to whatever was on the news or on TV, and then they repeat or believe that until someone else comes along. And, I think--If nothing else, Mr. Conover, I think you’re trying to make people more curious about things.”

“I am!” Adam said with a smile.

“And I think in the end of the day, if more people are more curious, and more willing to change what they think when new information comes along, that’s… that’s a good thing, you know?”

Adam grinned. “You’re right!”

“And--And, I mean, maybe you’re not really teaching science, but if more people are more curious about things, maybe they’ll sit down and learn the harder parts on their own.”

“Thank you, Morty!” Adam said, pulling Morty up to his height and into a hug.

“Um, I, okay, that’s--that’s enough--”

“Right. Sorry,” Adam said, putting the teenager down.

“Uh, Grandpa Rick, are you almost done?”

“I’m done, Morty, but this is ancient technology, like I said, it’s gonna take a few hours.”

“Hey, Maybe Mr. Conover can explain something to us while that--”

Rick’s glare spoke volumes.

“I-I-I just meant--”

“It’s fine, Morty,” Adam said. “I’ve done my part.”

Out of nowhere, the TV show host took out an electrical bicycle and began to pedal. Soon, he began to lift into the air in the hallway.

“...What the fuck?” Morty asked, and nearly as soon as he had, Adam crashed onto the roof and collapsed on the ground unconscious.

“Goes to show you, Morty.” Rick said. “Never urrrp take off indoors unless you really know what you’re doing.”

“Should we help him?”

“He’ll be fine. Maybe he can urrrp ruin concussions next.”

Tu-tu-too-too-tu-tu-rooo~

Turum turum tum Tweeeo~

~Credits pass ~

Adam's eyelids twitched as he started to wake up. A pair of Gromflomites stood at attention near Adam's bed, while a young human woman wearing a bright, shiny, red and black leather suit, with an upturned collar, and silver shoulder pads.

"So, Adam, I can call you Adam, right? Adam, I'm hoping you can help me out here."

"...If we ever meet aliens... they're unlikely to be humanoid..." he muttered, squinting at her.

"Can I get a better dosage here?" She asked. A frightened human nurse nodded, her hands trembling as she searched for the right drug, before injecting Adam with something.

After a moment, he blinked hard. "Ow... my... my head hurts... what's going on? Who are you?"

"All in due time, Adam. Still, as a member of... what used to be the Galactic Federation, I've been putting a lot of my considerable resources into tracking down and destroying the man who destroyed my society. A man I know was recently in this dimension after we tried to kill him by stranding him in Dimension 35-C. And I have reason to believe that you, dear Adam, hold the key to the information I'm missing. Now, I will ask you. Where did Rick Sanchez go?"

"I... I don't know, we didn't really..." Adam's confused expression seemed genuine enough to convince her. "I think he just wanted to leave?"

"...Dammit." Tammy said. She stood up, then dismissed the recovering blonde man with a wave of her hand. "Whatever. Let's go. We're wasting time."

"Wait... Do we kill them?" One of the Gromflomite guards asked. She rolled her eyes.

"Do I look like I care?"

~Aaap Blak waar (???) ~

Did you get any of that?


End file.
